Friday, November 05, 2004
Few days have passed, and I am back at it again.
No more school; no more looking at her inconceivable appearence. and i wonder, whether I'm happy with this sort of arrangment. Its just wrong, totally. So it was just one of those days again, yesterday. Monday blues, tuesday worries all piled up as I woke up to the blistering end of year rain. Usually I'd have packed my stuff and rush off to SeanHill, but since I'm no longer allowed in there, I stood up and went away anyway, aimlessly, nowhere bound. I'm a shark, i think, for if i stay stagnant i will suffocate, then accordingly, die. And sharks are hunted. Hunted for their very precious fins, which in themselves are tasteless, yet eaten as a sign of honour, of position. THAT IS ME. I can fully relate to sharks though the feeling is not returned.
But why?-you ask. Why are you eaten for prestige and honour? I thought you were expelled, you're damaged, you're unsaveable. - you wonder.
For one, you haven't seen me. I'm not just ANYONE'S daughter. I'm not just ANYONE's girlfriend. Well, my life, is in essence, no life at all. I'm not even a legitimete child alright? See here; This is me : Phy S- dropout, unpopular, absolutely hated (not only by SeanHill's popcrowd, but also by my own father)-the being of which my father didnt want. And guessy who is my dad? SeanHill alright? SeanHill, the principle. Then why am i kicked from my own father's school, you may ask? He loathes me. And he cries desteste! I am the victim of a passionate, unallowed realtionship. The final ending to a and they lived NOT SO happy ever after love life. Phy S, me, the daughter of a mistress of SeanHill. My mother, a heathen, but i love her. Heartily, i might add.
Therein ends my tale for today. The life of i'll never ever fit in (and for once, i'm hoping you understand).
whose happy ending
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Maybe there might be hope. I can't help but think this way, it's me, I think. No one understands my turmoil, the oppression and the fury. We try, do we not. But I fail, each and every time. Can you see the maddness -fanned into flame. Perhaps, with all the tries that I'm given; with all the care and (ahem) concern, they just don't get me. Oh, for crying out loud, what is WRONG with the way I'm acting. So concieted, self-centered.
What is with the selfishness in the first paragraph? Big news: I got expelled. Kicked out. Outsted. Boom-wham-bahm erased off the face of SeanHill School. The point is- I am not in school. Gone are the days where i would roam the corridors, scavage of nooks and crannys which to hide from the teachers; maybe take down a verse or two; observe the students and singger to myself. Confessions of Philys Smith Tan.
Call me Phy. Phy S. That's the name the girls used to tease me by. I have tried to block it out, try not to listen, scream "shut up!" about ten times inside myself. I think its the way i throw my hands to my ears, clasp it tightly around and purse my eyelids firmly shut that they saw through my physcological barriers. No! They see me and they have gotten their revenge. They understand and they manipulate my plight. Horrible, insensitive, and plain tryants.
They are a reason I don't go to SeanHill anymore. And they are the only reason why I might have a reason to be happy not to go back.
Sorry. I doubt you really know, or even, comprehend my complicated, twisted (no, not ankle) angle. That's why You read. To find out more, more.
I am damaged.
Phy S.
whose happy ending
